Rachel H Gittens

At first glance, 2011 doesn’t seem like a momentous year. Perhaps because it wasn’t a year marked by tragedy or family drama. Or not the kind of family drama of years past. In the midst of 2011 (my Aunt found out she had breast cancer and is still going through the treatment), certain family came together in a way that hadn’t happened before. It was strange and new and not perfect, but there was some good.

And it doesn’t quite feel over. Surely a year has not passed since I flew to Tulsa, slept a few hours, then drove to Denver with Casey and Robbie to celebrate 2011′s arrival with Melissa. Stuff from last week will carry over to this week. The overwhelming feeling of being behind on many things didn’t just disappear at midnight.

In a way, it feels like a lot of healing happened last year. My life has shifted in many ways since New Year’s Eve 2011. I lived out some questions this last year and a bit, and those questions have brought me to this comfy bed that isn’t even mine in Roswell, Georgia.

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Random things became okay last year: Earlier in 2011, I was in the car with my sister and a few others and I admittedly said that a guy driving a truck was a pretty cute. Granted, my mother has this weird thing for “country” things/men (we’ll blame her Missouri half) and I do take after my mother. Oddly, I recently went on a date with a guy who drives a big truck. And American football? While I still haven’t gotten all of the rules down (and maybe never will), I’ve willingly watched some football this year (though, honestly, Friday Night Lights really helped make that okay). Remember when I used to say I hated dancing? Well, 2011 sure saw a different side of me. Shoot.

A guy I once talked to told me I hadn’t quite hit my rebellious stage yet. I was 19 or 20 when we knew each other. And the “rebellious” stage he was referring to was mostly the cliche drinking and smoking and partying thing. And it was true–I had never had alcohol, smoked, or been to a party. I guess, if he knew me still, he’d say 2011 was my rebellious stage (or at least the cruise). Though my rebellious stage compared to his was probably very different. There’s more I want to say here, but it is for another time (note to self).

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At the beginning of the year I was unhappy with a lot of things: where I was, who I was, what I was doing. I guess that means I was just unhappy. I was up and down and back and forth, but at the end of the day, I knew things would have to change. For awhile I thought it was just me, and that I needed to get over myself and stay where I was. I do that with friends too–I don’t confront people often because I think it’s me not them.

A sort of intervention afternoon discussion sparked some change. I decided to move to Atlanta when my lease ended. I stopped volunteering at church and took a general break from it all. In May I left the company I’d been with since I was 17, a place I’d known for 4 and a half years. It was one of the last bits of familiar life hanging on.

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I went to a counselor for the first time over the summer. I did whatever I could to ensure that I was working on my unhappiness and working on my life before I moved to Atlanta. Because even though I could have waited, I didn’t want to act like moving to a new city was going to fix me. I knew it wouldn’t. But enacting change in my life before I moved and working on myself before I left a city I had already disconnected from meant I could more peacefully make this new city my home. A challenge for sure, but a happy challenge when you’ve been able to be thankful for the city you left instead of running from it.

I didn’t run from Orlando. In the end, I found some peace with it and its people. And each trip back since moving has been a grand time of enjoying a city I called home for three years. Do I miss it? No. But not resenting it has made visits more special and holding onto people there easier.

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I started last year with the idea of taking time to focus on myself. To take care of myself inwardly and outwardly. These were things I was once good at in years past and had managed to let go of for about a year or two.

The chiropractor, counseling, the gym, a personal trainer, being mindful of what I eat, loving who I am now and not who I’m trying to be… Those were some steps taken in 2011. I asked a lot of questions, lived out some, and am still answering others. I know some aren’t to be answered, and more will come up. But it’s the questioning that has helped me this year.

Instead of living the way I was, I questioned my unhappiness and questioned the way I’d been living. I’m questioning things I believe, the way I view certain people, the way I view myself through societal standards, the reasons I do the things I do…

Going into a new month and a new year and soon a new age, I’m not worried about having all of the answers. I’m not worried about why I wasn’t able to find the answer to every area of my life last year or why I still have days of unhappiness. Instead, I’m thankful that I’m okay with the questions and uncertainty. I’m glad that I don’t have to act like I have all of the answers. I hope that my questioning can invite others into my story a little more than if I were acting like I had all the answers, like I had it all together. I hope my questioning allows others to step in and answer the questions or ask along with me.

I don’t want to be numb more often than not in the coming months and years of my life. Much of my unhappiness, to an extent, came from being numb to life and not being vulnerable. At least for a time, that was a big part of my problem. And so I’m taking small risks (risks that are risks for me and maybe no one else), because even if it goes badly, I’ll feel something. For awhile, I walked in circles hoping the second time around would feel better and make me happy. I’ve let go of that, a bit. And even this past week, I’ve been challenged more than I expected from a certain person who I wouldn’t have passed while walking in the same circles.

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I’m not one for a clear list of resolutions. I wrote a few reminders down elsewhere. But mostly I want to carry on the idea of last year with the addition of what I learned about myself throughout the year.

Take care of yourself. Love who you are today. Don’t keep going back to the same places. Take risks. And feel feel feel whatever each day brings. Cry in front of someone. Be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid of people who aren’t like you because you think they won’t ilke you–you are probably more judgmental than them. Love yourself, respect yourself, and “treat yo self.”